I was contemplating the verbs that are most commonly used when referring to sex. Usually people say "having sex" or "making love" (excluding of course the more colorful verbs commonly used). Both of those phrases seem odd to me. They don't quite fit with what sex is.
"Having sex" makes me think of having a jacket or a pencil. It's something you have, that you own. Sex is something that we all have, but in the context of gender. You can have something and then not do anything with it. You can put it away in a corner or carry it on you all the time. Sex does not seem like something you can have.
The other most common phrase is "making love." If love was not there before sex, it is very unlikely that sex is going to create love in the relationship. What about sex is creative at all? (Besides the baby-making aspect of it. But here I'm talking about recreational sex.) It is an experience that neither destroys nor creates, but rather is something felt. I suppose one could argue that it creates a feeling, but still-not the feeling of love.
Perhaps performing is a better verb to use about sex. After all, sex is sometimes referred to as "the act of sex" or "sexual acts." Indeed there is usually a dramatic formula that sex follows like a plot diagram in English: introduction, rising action, conflict (but hopefully not), climax, falling action, and conclusion. More directly, sex can be like acting in the context of roleplaying. Roleplaying involves different scenarios and characters and the couple is acting. But if performing is used as the verb to describe sex, then does that imply that sometimes partners are acting during sex-not being themselves-or are worried about how they will perform? Humans naturally desire to critique art, including performances, so maybe perform is a daunting verb to use for sex.
Another verb could be participating in sex. It takes two to tango, as the saying goes and the people participating in sex are called "sexual partners", indicating that they are working together-thus, participating. This verb choice implies that the people participating in sex are more or less equals. Sex is not simply something that happens to either partner, it is something that both parties must participate in to make happen. For sex to work, both people have their own essential role to play, and one person cannot be insignificant or unimportant to sex. However, I recognize the degree of participation on the part of either partner can and does vary. I am leaving out rape, so just scratch that out of your mind. All of these arguments are meant to be in the context of two willing people.
Maybe sharing sex is most accurate. Both people share the same experience of sex with each other. They are also sharing their bodies with each other, an exchange without which sex could not occur.
I wonder if the most commonly used phrases of "having sex" and "making love" are indicative of popular opinion about sex. Some people dismiss it's significance by saying it is simply something that they have, like they would have a chess set-no big deal. "Making love," on the other hand, could reflect the disillusioned idea that sex equates love, or will create love where there is none. Most people are not trying to make any kind of statement when they choose a verb to use when referring to sex, they simply grab the most accessible word to make themselves understood in conversation. I still considered these arguments to be interesting thoughts, however, that could have implications on how our subconscious, or even our society, thinks about sex.
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