Untitled Conversation

I haven’t seen her for three weeks, but somehow it seems much longer, and much shorter.  We’re sitting on the floor of her bedroom amidst haphazard piles of papers, clothes, and books at her dad’s house, chattering on a-mile-a-minute like always.  She keeps combing her hair back with her fingers as she talks, an impulsive gesture that never does any good because her long, dirty blonde hair falls right back into place when she lowers her hand.  There’s so much to say to a friend you’ve known this long, yet we don’t really have to say anything if we don’t want to.  I interrupt her long-winded rant about the rude, non-tippers she had to serve at Macados that week, knowing she’ll take off with whatever I say next; we’re always doing that.

S: Remember when we used to pretend we were horses and crawl around on our hands and knees during recess?

C: Haha, yeah, I do.  Mom used to get so mad at me for coming home with grass stains every day.  It made me feel bad a little bit, but not enough to make me stop.

S: Yeah, me too.  Ha, you even nibbled on grass and tortured your knees trying to gallop on them!

C: Yeah, I remember that.  And we used to play queen of the hill and try to push each other off, ramming and pushing with everything we had, still on all fours.

S: Who won most of the time?  You remember?

C: No, I think it was pretty much equal.  We were about the same size then-still are.

S: I never fought harder than when I play fought with you.

C: Me neither.  It's not fun if someone doesn't get hurt!

S: Agreed. …. I remember the other kids making fun of us for it and saying we were lesbians.

C: Screw 'em, they never did understand.

S: I kinda feel sorry for them that they didn't.

C: Me too, I guess.

S: I was self-conscious then, but in high school I got popular after I stopped giving a shit what other people thought.

C: Yeah, I remember.  But it didn’t really matter about being popular then, cuz we didn’t care about that anymore.  I know people started liking me more after my boobs grew in and they started to think I was pretty.

S: I always knew you were pretty.

C: Aww, shank you!  You too.

S: But your boobs ARE fantastic!

C: I think so too!  But they're kind of a pain sometimes.  They get in the way a lot.

S: …ACID DINGO SPIT!  COCKROACH!  LEMMINGS TAP DANCING ON THE MOON!  PURPLE TURTLE!

C: Hahaha!  FISH HEADS, FISH HEADS, WONDERFUL WONDERFUL MUNCHIES AND CRUNCHIES FOR GURGIE!

S: Hahaha... ahh, whew... I love it when I laugh so much my cheeks get sore and my stomach hurts.  I miss that now we don't get to hang out as much.  It usually only happens when I'm with you or Ashley.  It’s great!

C: Si, si.  Most excellent.

S: You know, I miss the part of me that can pretend wholeheartedly I'm a horse.  I think that part of me is still there, it's just I don't have time for it.  Which is silly because, as we both know, time doesn't exist.

C: Nope, nope, just alternate dimensions!  ….. Yeah, I'm always busy with work, then school, taking care of the dog, looking after dad, trying to fit in time with friends and Gary.  I'm spread too thin; sometimes I wonder how I don't disappear entirely. 

S: There’s so much to do now in college and too much stuff to worry about.  I'm always late to stuff and it stresses me out.

C: I'm late to everything too, except work most of the time.  But I'm doing better about that because if I don't keep my job and get good tips, then I won't have enough money to get my car fixed or to get Zoey spayed, or even to get gas to go anywhere, let alone do anything.  I'm already taking out a lot in student loans.

S: At least you're out of your mom's house now.  How’s your brother?  Is he still upset with your mom?

C: Yeah, he never quite got over it when he snapped that one time.  He hates her for leaving him all the time to go who the fuck knows where and coming home smashed all the time.  He's being a little snot about it though.  I lived with that my whole life and was never as mean to mom as he's being. 

S: Well, she hasn’t given him much reason to be nice to her.  If she really loved him, she would stop being so selfish and think about him for a change. 

C: She does love him, in her way, he just doesn't see it.  I’m sure she does care about him, but she’s always been like that and she’s not going to change now. 

S: What kind of stuff is he doing?  They get into a lot of fights?

C: Yeah, it’s the same kind of thing as before.  He’s disrespectful and yells at her, saying she’s a bad mom and whatever.  On top of that, he's getting into trouble at school and mom won't do anything about it.  She wants to shove him off on dad, but dad can't take care of him right now cuz he’s upset since Tina left him.  I'm the only one who can discipline Jarrid but I just don't have time to do it.  I don't have time to be his mom anymore!  I've done it for ten years but I can't do it now.  I struggle every day just to take care of all the shit I have to do and deal with everything else going on in my life.

S: … I'm sorry.  It's not fair.

C: Yeah, well fair doesn't change a damn thing.  I'm only eighteen, but life won't let me be eighteen!

S: ......

C: ..... whatever, I'll deal with it somehow.  I always do.

S: ......

C: ......

S: Hey, you wanna’ go play horses?

C: Right now?

S: Yes.

C: Ha, it's kinda cold outside...

S: It never stopped us before. No lame excuses.

C: ....I guess we could....what would we do exactly?

S: I have no idea. You ready?

C: Alright, just let me grab my old jacket.

She leans over and pulls out a faded blue hoodie from a particularly tall pile of clothes spilling out the open doors to her closet.  I remember this jacket; she used to wear it all the time in middle school.  Now it’s coated in old stains and animal fur, a relic of another place in time, almost forgotten under the layers of clutter that litter her floor.  I look at it and smile.