Last night I had yet another dream of my ex boyfriend being jealous and trying to get me back. It was distressing and I knew no matter what he said or did, my mind wouldn't change. All emotional ties and feelings of love and happiness had evaporated, only to be replaced by unease and dread. When I awoke, I went through this most recent dream of him and recalled another dream I'd had.
In the other dream, we were at my house in my room like we'd been so many times before. He started kissing me while pushing me up against the wall, then he moved me to the bed and lay on top of me to make out with me. Then, all of a sudden, I remembered that this was no longer the way things were and that I very much didn't want to be there with him. I pushed him off and went to the kitchen. He didn't quite understand my refusal, still caught up in believing we were together. He followed me and tried to start undressing me but I got angry and fought him off. The only feeling I had toward him was anger and disinterest. There was not even a small part of myself that missed him or wished I was free to kiss him again. I remember him becoming jealous and bitter, saying mean things, but then the dream ended.
Usually when I have dreams like this (my dreams are varied and weird, but there are some loosely like this) I really care for the person I'm with but then remember I have a boyfriend and am heartbroken that I cannot be with the new person. Each time I've dreamed about my ex since I've been with John, I just feel uncomfortable and wish that my ex was not around so I wouldn't have to deal with the awkwardness of having absolutely no feelings for him when he obviously still wants me.
Today I tried to remember how I felt when me and my ex were dating. I struggled to stoke the fires of my memory and my past emotions to remember how I used to feel. I loved my ex. Some of the happiest moments of my life so far have been with him. But I couldn't for the life of me feel anything when I remembered him or thought of our time together. I simply recalled what we have done together as pleasant memories, without being able to feel a tug of longing or a thrill of happiness at the remembrance. I even perused through some pictures I have of me and my ex. Still-nothing. Looking at the pictures didn't make me feel anything whatsoever. Not happiness, sadness, anger, or any derivation or degree thereof.
I went through a few pictures of Courtney and my heart leaped and I instantly smiled, unable to contain my feelings of love for her. Although me and my dad do not speak to each other, I can still look at his pictures and think about pleasant memories with him and feel something. Sometimes I feel fondness, sometimes a little bitterness or sadness. But I can always feel something. When I try to remember my ex, knowing how madly in love we used to be, I can't feel a thing. I wonder: is there something wrong with that? If we were really so in love for three years, then why can't I remember how it used to feel? Even if I don't feel anything for him now, I should still be able to remember how I used to feel, right? So why can't I?
No comments:
Post a Comment