Definitions

I wanted to write this to sort out my thoughts.  I don't know where I'm going with this post.  The whole idea is to figure it out as I think through and write down different ideas.


It seems like everyone has a different way to define romantic love.  Some people dither and fret, worrying about whether they are really in love or not; others just know.  With all of the many definitions, it's no wonder people often have a hard time deciphering their feelings.  I thought I knew what love was, but it keeps changing for me, or maybe I just think it does.


I've heard some say love is when you:
1. can't stand the thought of losing them
2. tell them everything and are totally comfortable with them
3. want to spend your life with them
4. feel your heart skip a beat when they smile at you
5. would die for them
6. care about them more than you care about yourself
7. think about them all the time 


And the list goes on...


What I'm concerned about, and what has been on my mind recently, is what my personal definition of love is.  I used to believe love was when you make each other feel beautiful, cared for, and perfect.  I also thought love was something that grew only over a long period of time, but now I'm not so sure.  I'm starting to wonder whether you really can come to love someone over a short time frame, without being with them long enough to know everything about them.


Through writing even such a small amount, I have sorted out my definition of love and my opinion on my current dating situation.


Now, for me at least, I believe love is when you feel an overwhelming connection with another person that makes you want to share all of yourselves with each other and enables you to accept each other for exactly who you are.  You are able to recognize and accept each others' flaws but want to be the best you can be for them.  Love is when you are not afraid to be vulnerable in front of the other person.  Love is when your connection is so deep that their emotions affect you greatly and your heart soars when you get the chance to make them happy. 


Although I haven't been with my current boyfriend long enough to know his entire life's story or his opinion on all the issues society deems as so important, I think I love him.  There is no equation for love.  There is no universal definition that you can hold up your life to and compare it with.  Each person must decide for themselves.  Their definition may change over time, but that does not necessarily make love felt under a different definition any less real love.  I've been in love before, and it was different than now-not following all of the stipulations of my new definition, but I believe it was love nonetheless, as is my current feeling.
 
My boyfriend has never been in love and he has not said it to me.  I've been holding back for a while now, not wanting to tell him I love him because I've tried so hard to make myself believe that I wasn't sure if I loved him yet either.  How sad is it to tell someone you love them and not have the feeling returned?  Even though I now know I am in love, I don't know if I will tell him.  I don't want him to feel awkward or pressured to say it in return if he's not sure yet.  Besides, I would probably feel sad each time I said it without it being said back to me.  I'm always open with my feelings and I let people know because it eats away at me if I try to hold it inside (anger, sadness, etc).  This presents a problem because, although this feeling isn't negative, it will probably hammer away at my will until I blurt it out and put everything on the line.  For the past week or so, even though I had done a good job at pretending I still wasn't sure if I loved my boyfriend or not, the words have been flashing across my thoughts, wanting desperately to be said.  I've almost said them out loud a few times, so strong is the compulsion to confess my feelings.  I will look at him next to me and there the words will be, so natural and honest that it feels wrong to hold them back.


I don't know what to do.  I know I'm in love and I want to tell my boyfriend how I feel since, as stated earlier in my definition, I want to share all of myself with him.  However, I absolutely do not want to pressure him into saying it back if he doesn't know for sure if he loves me.  He's never said it to anyone in a romantic way and he claims he's never felt it before.  That being the case, if he does come to feel love and admit that he does, it's a huge deal.  It would be horrible if he said it for the first time and didn't mean it.  Although it's like torture not to tell him, the stakes are too high and I don't want to cheapen something so amazing for him.  So the plan is not to tell him I love him yet.  I guess I should wait until he says it first-if he ever does grow to love me-and then admit that I've loved him all this time.  The problem with that is I don't know how long I will have to keep this a secret, or if I will ever get the chance to tell him.  I'm very much one for putting it all out there and leaving nothing to "what if" and regret, but this is bigger than my own desires.  If it's for him, maybe I can manage to keep it secret.


My boyfriend also has a blog on this website and could look up this site and read what I've written here, but I don't think that will happen.  Even though I've told him that this blog exists, I don't think he has read anything from it.  He might have read one thing, but I think that was just because I pulled it up for him and insisted.  So, if he actually does read this post before the situation plays itself out, I guess it's no coincidence-he was meant to read it.  But, like I said, that is very unlikely.  Although I have to carry this secret around with me now, I'm glad I recognized how I really feel.  At least now I won't have to struggle with uncertainty and I can stop trying to convince myself of lies.


And I can get some satisfaction out of doing this:
I love you John.  I want to share every part of me and of my life with you.  I want you to share yourself with me.  I want to know about your hopes, dreams, fears, goals-everything.  I want to spend the rest of my life learning new things about you after I believe I already know it all.  You make me feel beautiful in every way.  You have made me feel comfortable with myself like I've never been before.   When you hold me in your arms in bed I sometimes think of the phrase "you complete me" but that's wrong-you don't simply make me feel whole, you make me feel like more than myself.  I never knew how overwhelmingly happy I could be just lying next to you, entwined with your body and wrapped in your embrace.  When I think of losing you-of never laughing with you again or never seeing your adorable face so close to mine, it makes my heart sick.  I'm about to cry now at the thought of it and I will soon have to console myself by pushing it to the back of my mind and remembering some happy moment we've had together.  You are so precious to me.  I can't seem to find words strong enough to communicate how I feel so I guess I'll have to settle with: I love you, I love you, I love you.









*REVISION: Well, it only took me about ten days before I couldn't take the secret any longer.  I told my boyfriend to read this after I saw him today.  I figured I couldn't keep this bottled up for long, but I thought I would at least last longer than this!  I don't do well with not saying how I feel and today I was so overwhelmed by how much I adore him that the words "I love you" just started to eat away at me.  Hopefully this won't make him feel awkward, but I'm too selfish to keep quiet and I need him to know or else it is sure to drive me crazy.